Is marriage the only way for a man and woman to live together?
It is an enforced way to make sure you abide by a decision you have made. We in India study in boys or girls schools. Socializing between men and women is (in general) frowned upon. So the majority of us go in for arranged marriages. Everywhere I see miserable people forced to remain together. They made the wrong choice of partner. But now they are forced to live with it.
Most people are unhappy simply because they do not have an 'exit option'. If a medical drug had such a high failure rate would we take it? Then why do we tolerate this institution of marriage which has such a high divorce rate?
A divorce is so messy and heart breaking and expensive. And frowned upon by society. I think thats why the theory of the 'next life' was developed. So people would not feel so bad about living a miserable life this time around!
But what if this is the only life we have? Should we be forced to live it this way? Or go through a messy divorce? Is all this necessary? Why can't we improve the system? Why can't we explore alternatives? Why can't we be free?
Even staying together for the sake of the kids is a silly argument. It is better for the kids to see two happy people than two miserable ones. Kids need to be given hope. They need to think life is worth living. If they see two miserable parents they will lose hope. They will think there is nothing more to life than misery. Then they will become self destructive. They may turn to drugs. So it is vital they have good role models in their parents
The first thing we should do to improve the system is make all schools co-educational. Boys and girls get used to being with each other. Boys and girls will begin to see each other as human beings and not objects to experiment with for love or desire. They will have a better idea of what kind of person of the opposite sex they get along better with. They will recognize that they are compatible with some people and not with others. They will learn to choose.
Then we should teach boys and girls the basics of relationships. That the decision to be with someone is also another decision. It should not be life threatening. Or life long. If you do not wish it to be. The top priority should always be to find someone you are happy with. And who is happy with you. We have just one life to live
One fine day you will meet someone you think is perfect for you. Then you will agree to live together . If you decide to have kids ( after being together a mandatory 3 years) you will be covered by 'the agreement'
And if after all this experience you still make the wrong decision you do not have to suffer for life. You can always change your decision. And make another attempt at living a decent happy life.
The kids (if any) will be looked after by 'the agreement' between both partners. The agreement will be enforced by a private court who will dismiss frivolous petitions immediately.
Frivolous 'divorces' will be rare since the schools will emphasize the importance of making a commitment. Relationships will be a major topic of study in all schools.
Thereafter a couple is assumed to understand the ramifications of terminating a relationship and hence will take the 'extreme step' of termination of the relationship very seriously
Only then the 'fast track' agreement comes into action. The agreement is enforced by private courts and is equipped to first of all suggest top notch counselling. Only when all else fails is the split taken up for debate and immediate action
For example people who do not contribute to looking after their kids will be levied severe penalties. If the woman has left her job to look after her kids (by mutual consent) she will be looked after in the manner in which she looked after the kids when they were together and so on
This way women need not stay with violent husbands. They will always be protected by ' the agreement' (which mainly applies when there are kids or when the man or woman does not work by mutual consent). Women need never be saddled with chauvinist husbands. Kids are forbidden for the first three years of living together. (until the couple are reasonably sure they get along)
The goal of life should be to live it happily. Isn't it better to make our own mistakes rather than make mistakes forced upon us by society?
Like to read more? Read
part 2
santosh-samuel.sulekha.com/blog/post/2007/05/is-marriage-necessary-part-ii.htm
Santosh,
I seriously disagree with you. I think marriage is definitely a must. We are not a free wheeling Western nation, infact they are eulogising us in most of the things and that includes relationships, infact most Orients (read Asians) give a lot of importance to relationships and marriage is all about managing relationships. I don't believe and will ever advocate a 'live-in' relationship, there is no commitment there and it may crumble and you tend to live on a perpetual fear that your partner may leave you anyday. There is no social security/blanket as in a marriage.
And I think a marriage crumbles only when both the partners take each other for granted and there is a total loss of communication and there may be loss of trust, work on that and I'm sure every marriage will thrive. I'm sure most of the happily married couples will vouch for that.
These are simply my opinions, you are welcome to yours
-Sudha
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sophizz
You are talking of the scene now. But the scenario I have painted involves everyone doing the same thing. In that case the reputations and stigmas will vanish. Everyone will be on the same page. Compatiblity and freedom of choice will rule. People will be more responsible and only settle down with partners who treat them well and they get along with. Children will be happier since their parents are happier. Overall everyone wil work harder at their relationships and respect each other more. Taking someone for granted will vanish
Santosh
relationships and quality of life will become very important
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If someone is badly affected with drug addiction and is admitted to some drug rehab center, then the first step of treatment is ‘Admittance’. If a person addicted to drugs or alcohol doesn’t admit that he is addicted then it is impossible to cure him.
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Meera
Chee I missed that 'if they get along' part ! Apologies !
Santosh
interesting idea
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Dude...
anyway :)))
Are YOU KIDDING ME BACK AGAIN!? :))))
I said *if they get along*... d'oh! One doesn't experiments with kids...well most kids are an *accident*
bah! You MISREAD...and after you find a compatible partner, please don't wait for me to tell you to TRY this at home - ahahahahaha
well... lot of b/s about the three month wait...but when it is charmingly put... wth, I will buy that too
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Meera
I just wanted to see if you still had the same point of view after 3 months !
Lol !
Are you kidding me?? You would take the risk of having a kid to cement a relationship ???? What if it doesint work??? The kid grows up without a father cos u wanted to experiment????
But Im glad it worked out for you. Thank goodness !
Santosh
please dont try this at home !
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Are you kidding me replying after THREE months?!
oh yea, the 7 year itch concept - I believe that... the only way to keep the unit together is to have babies... that is if they get along :)) I didn't believe it - but there is nothing much more binding - to top - mutual respect and love. Everything else burns in time...fade. Well i could talk on principles... :))
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Meera !
7 years ? Deal !
Santosh
see ! Somebody agrees with me at least on principle (even among the women)
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timada
will check out that site soon. Indeed there should be options. Straightjacketing is an odd solution when ppl are growing at different speeds
Santosh
a person who has to adjust all their life will have stunted growth
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I totally agree. Marriage is a tradition, but tradition doesn’t always mean good. We are free to love how and who we want and be with who we want. This is a universal truth yet somehow it is ignored in parts of the world like India. Seems fair for a couple to have to wait for 3 years before they have children. Although most couple have the sense to do that but in an arranged marriage I can see why it’s more important to have that rule. In many ways society is always going to be a threat to freedom and love, not just with marriage. Would you agree? I used to have a friend in India who ended up needing drug addiction treatment due to his marriage being so bad and being very depressed and lost in his soul because of it.
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